This semester, could, I think, be characterized by the single word of distance. In trying to distance myself from a particular relationship, rather abruptly broken, I distanced myself from myself. I became increasingly less self-aware; increasingly disconnected from the reality of my feelings, often under the cover of mounds and mounds of work to be done. In the process, I've become resentful. My heart has become hard. And I find my patterns of thinking so divorced from the reality I know to be true, in Scripture, and in experience. I find myself as a person I do not like. And by this, I mean, I'm a person whose character, whose soul, is in definite need of correction. But not that correction I so harshly bestow upon myself...but, the correction of the Holy Spirit Not only have I found myself distant from God, but also from relationships I treasure and never stop thanking God for. I construct walls; I make excuses; I isolate myself. And while time for solitary reflection is a very real need of mine, I've not allowed myself to really get the past the threshold of vulnerability. And mostly, because of this distance, I've been lonely. So lonely, sometimes, even, hopeless. Feeling the burden and strain of this particular estranged relationship, my estrangement with my father, 'figuring out what to do next'/teetering on the brink of adulthood, ever bombarded with stretching questions, and arguments, when my soul is starving for the Bread of Life, and thirsting so ardently after the Living Water!
I pray healing is taking place, or will take place, or has taken place, that my hope will not be disappointed.