I should have gone to bed an hour ago. Maybe two, even.
I feel desperately alone; that seems to be the consistent theme this summer. the first couple of weeks were alright, but now, I'm not doing so well. And I'm too tired, too discouraged to even try. The loneliness doesn't just come from not being in the immediate environment of Houghton, although that is part of it. I don't know, in the deep recesses of my heart, that I am loved. And writing that now seems ridiculous to me, laughable even. (The me being loved part). Such is the bitterness that has taken root in my heart. Does anyone really care about me? How can I know, for sure, that they do? I mean, after all, I'm stupid, and ugly, and always say the wrong things (Jo March). Am I trying too hard, or demanding too much of God? Or am I demanding of people, or one person, what only God can give?
4 comments:
It sounds like a summer-induced rut. Is it accompanied by a sense of purposelessness, which, when absent, is replaced by an inability to work up the energy to accomplish the task at hand? If so, I hear you, my friend.
Dearest Olivia:
Here is a quote from a website I read that made me immediately think of you:
"Not shrill, not exasperated, but more like a humming, a thrumming, a whirring, like the wing beats of a thousand birds. They all shout yes yes! You are loved you are loved! The earth beneath your feet is humming with it, whispering: Beloved. Lay your head down. Let it swell up and over you. Be loved. This is the biggest truth, the greatest truth: The Maker, The Life King, He loves you.
Climb into it. Don’t hide cringing in the corner, walk out and let it find you. The days are like a long line ahead of you and in them is the capacity for a great stomping, chummy, heart-easing, devastating love that you must open yourself up to. It is your life work."
Cassie
thanks. i feel foolish for posting this, now, after the fact. partly because when i start to shrivel up a bit inside, my use of words and creativity diminishes (or maybe it's the other way around?). Yes, Carolyn, that's part of it. Plus a hearty dose of sadness. Cassie, I saw this on your tumblr site first, and was just awed at the beautiful things you notice and find and how lovely you are, and feeling really quite imperfect and ugly in comparison. So, thank you for that. And I do think I have some days like that, but my life at home doesn't seem like so much of a life anymore. it feels like i'm a stranger in a strange land; it's foreign, yet it's familiar to me. and i just miss maintaining regular contact with people, because it seems like the people i care about the most attend houghton or are off accomplishing or doing great and exciting things.hmm.
Climb into it. Don't hide cringing in the corner, walk out and let it find you.
This reminds me of a conversation I once had with Cam.
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