This post will probably degenerate into a pity party.
Hmm.
Well, here goes, anyway.
I feel alone. I feel like I don't belong. I feel like I am not capable.
Even though I have friends, I still can't shake this haunting and oppressive feeling of loneliness.
Sometimes I'm afraid that God has abandoned me; He has given up on me.
But I know this isn't true.
And I'm learning to reject a lot of other things that aren't true.
Yes; my relationship with God needs fixing.
Is not my heart broken and contrite enough? How much more does it have to be broken until I am finally, at least in part, healed? Am I not desperate enough? Am I not weary enough?
Am I not trying hard enough? Am I not truly seeking You?
Yes, I have friends. Friends that care deeply. Yet I have no one I belong to, at some level, as a best friend. Shouldn't all of these friends be enough to get me through?
Yes, I am Your child. Yet I am a very useless and weak child.
When will my life make sense again? At all?
When will I find the courage to speak to my father again?
When will Pat get better?
When will I get over how much I miss London?
How do I deal with other, internal stirrings?
How do I make it through the day when I don't really even want to be here anymore, or, rather, know why I'm here? yet don't know where else I want to be? or what I want to be doing?
How do I complete these mounds of reading when my heart and mind are not in sync with each other?
How do I do anything? When I feel incapable of moving in any direction?
When will I know I am loved, and live as if I am?
When?
How?
For what purpose?
I'm bruised and broken, and my soul is very frail.
I do not sense Your presence or care in my tears.
Is this because I am not allowing You in? Or is it part of the refining process?
I don't understand!
Yet somehow, You are my hope. I know You are good.
I want to know You as good.